Last month, I made a series of illustrations that reflected my state of mind. What I’m feeling the past days and months. Although these were bothering me for more than a year now, I only managed to share it recently.
I’ve thought of making it to another vlogtoon video, but I can’t make myself to do it. So, let me explain them here one by one.
These are images that I kept on feeling, thinking, in no particular order. You get that feeling when, you’ve tried every way you planned, but none of them is working? Yeah. That’s how it started. Then you overthink. Then there it goes. I am not tough enough to talk it with someone so I just drew them. With hopes that I can express them in a good way. Probably people out there are having this kind of images in their minds too.
For those who have read them beyond the lines, thank you.
This was the first image of the series. Ever had that feeling when, you just feel like a fraud on what you do for a decade? Like, if ever you’re a musician or a chef, then suddenly none of your ways are working out, you feel like a fake. You begin to question yourself, why? Is this really for me? Is it to late to re-evaluate my path? What if, you’re not meant to be a chef or a musician? There’s this thing in my head that if ever I take a leap onto something that I am unsure of, I might make it. Because, why not, right? Taking risks. Maybe grass is greener on the other side. Who knows?
Like I said, it will consume you. Your worries. Your anxiety. Everything. It will occupy your mind like some sort of liquid spreading. Then your questions begin to bother you. Your questions begin to attack your body. It’s not responding. Because your mind doesn’t know how and where to start. Physical weakness begins. You feel tired, for days. For weeks or even months. But you don’t know what to do. You just think and think. Nothing’s working. But no one knows for sure.
Now you begin to realize you’re drowning – in those thoughts. But by the time you see it, it’s already too late. There’s a hole sucking you underneath that you can’t fight. But when you look at it, you see nothing. Just darkness. You’re already too weak to fight it. So all you’re thinking of is, just go with it. Just fall. Maybe someday you’ll land at the bottom. But no one knows that. On the outside you smile, you laugh, you socialize. Like a normal person does.
4/9: Clouded Mind
When you let those thoughts control you. You may seem to feel like you’re in auto-pilot. You wake up, do chores, daily activities, without a goal. Without a purpose. You can’t see anything, just the outer shell of things. You feel like you’re floating. Your mind is clouded. But just like clouds that float to a direction, you just go with it. Hoping that there will be clear skies, and it will show you a good place to float on to. But no one knows that. On the outside, you look like a normal person going on with your day.
You’ll get that. You’ll reach the point that you feel alone. No one understands you. But deep inside you know there’s someone that feels the way you do. But you still feel isolated. You won’t talk these things with anybody because you don’t want them to be affected. You don’t want them to pity someone like you. You don’t want to be a burden. Either, they’ll just laugh at you or just tease you because you look normal. The need to disconnect is real. So you prefer not to tell anyone. The feeling of being alone inside.
6/9: Nights Of Rain
Gloomy. Then it pours. Cloudy. Then it pours. You touch your cheeks. There are tears. Probably your body has taken its toll. The ongoing suffering inside leaks. But since you don’t want others to see it, you let it all pour – alone. Probably at nights. When everyone is sound asleep. Illness. Physical weakness. Your body has taken its toll. But no one knows that. When you’re around with someone, you say it’s because of the weather. It’s because of the climate. But in the inside you’re suffering too much.
7/9: Float To Escape
You’ve had it. You wanted to escape. You wanted a larger view of life. A broad view of what’s happening. Rain has stopped. You’re wanting to escape all of it. Thinking that maybe you can run away from the feeling. The worries. The problems you are experiencing. That’s all you’re thinking, finding an outlet. Finding means to leave everything behind. Looking for a restart button. But you know it’s dangerous to escape. Because once it pops, you’re back to square one.
8/9: Rose Colored Mirror
It’s rose-colored. But it also reflects a rose. It’s a play on the term “rose-colored glasses”. You stood up, rain stopped. You’re soaked. You know you’re ugly enough. You know you look wasted. You know nothing’s working still. But here you are, looking at the society, the community, telling you’re beautiful. You look outstanding. You now give it a try. Probably if you’re a bit more optimistic, you can do it too! Look at yourself, your life, in a positive attitude. You are trying. You are trying to hold onto those weak knees.
This was originally titled “Tree of Hanging”. You want to disappear. If you’re not here, you might not experience pain. You might not experience struggles. You might not experience all this problems if you’re not here. When the restart button is not working, you aim for the shut down key. You’re now contemplating of suicide. But it’s not strong enough to draw you near, you’re just staring at it from a distance. Because you’re still human, you’re afraid of it. At the back of your mind you’re thinking, there’s probably a better way.
All these things funnel down to you. But no one knows that. You look like a normal, regular person going on thru the day.
Step after step. Day after day. We’re all trying to live. We all have different battles within that we simply can’t tell everybody. Everyone has their own struggles. Be kind. Be nice. Here’s hoping we get all the help we need in due time. Hoping everything will work out well soon.
I like to believe I’m doing better now.
Have a good day everyone.